So, help me GOD.
Spirit is nothing if not persistent. Kind and gentle yes, and yet very very persistent. In May 2016, I wrote a blog titled Moment Of Grace. I shared with you an experience I had with my mom, an experience that Spirit had gifted me with.
For the last three months now, Spirit has kept bringing that blog post up, reminding me that I did not share the whole story. I am a shy, private person. To bare all is still a challenge for me. Yet Spirit is reminding me, once again, that my experiences have value and that they are important to someone that will be reading my words.
Before you read the rest of this blog post, I ask that you first read or reread Moment Of Grace .
Like many of you unfortunately, I had a very difficult childhood. Most of my earlier memories are of fear, sadness, and loneliness. The details are not important to this story. The result of that childhood was that I had no real relationship with my mom.
Oh, I wanted one! Who doesn’t want to curl up in their mom’s lap and have their arms around you, keeping you safe. I don’t care how old you are! But, I was carrying so much anger, pain, and bitterness, that any kind of healthy relationship with her was not possible.
When my sister was placed in a care home in 2007 due to her MS, my mom began to accompany me on my trips to Duncan to visit Hanne. Many trips over the weeks, that became months, that became years. As a result of our forced time together we developed a very fragile relationship. But I wouldn’t describe us as close at that time.
Then, in 2013, Hanne suddenly passed away. Six months later my stepfather passed away. My mom has many health issues and it quickly became apparent that she could not live in on her own. Several weeks of intensive almost frantic research later, it became glaringly obvious to me that the only solution was for my mom to live with me.
How ironic that of all the possible scenarios, and of all her children, that I would be the one that my mom would move in with. But, GOD always has a plan!
That doesn’t mean I gave in quietly or even graciously! Not outwardly towards my mom, but to GOD I yelled and railed and shook my fists and stamped my feet. I was so so angry! And resentful! Why me? Why me?
Then I received my cancer diagnosis. A lot happened in one year, right! The cancer did give us the distraction while we adjusted to living together. And it did give my mom an opportunity to be my mom. While I did notice, and while I did appreciate her love and support during my journey, I just couldn’t seem to get past the anger, the hurt, the resentment.
Until that day in May 2016. How ironic that May is the month of Mother’s Day. GOD and his sense of humour! Geesh.
When I experienced that gift from GOD, that beautiful moment of Grace with my mom, what I didn’t share with you was how I also experienced complete forgiveness towards my mom. That was partially why I was so emotional. It was like this dam of anger, hurt, and resentment that I had built around me over the years, just burst wide open and my emotions began flowing again.
That night, as I lay in bed, I cried healing tears for hours. Great full body sobbing tears that I felt right down to the tips of my toes. The anger, the hurt, and the resentment was all washed away in those tears. A huge burden was lifted from my soul that day.
I now feel more myself around my mom than I ever have in my entire life. I have a gentler love, enormous patience, and a deep deep gratitude for the gift of this time that I have with her. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not perfect. It’s not all wine and roses, or kittens and puppies. We still have our issues like any relationship. But, I am finding that any frustration or irritation that develops is very short lived, it is expressed, and then released. And in a blink of an eye I am back to this calm, deep, abiding love for my mom.
Thank you once again Spirit. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.